“And there’s only one…”

When the nurse was showing us on the u/s yesterday our baby that we knew we were pregnant with (after 20 months TTC!) and I said, “and there’s only one…” Because we had two follies at trigger so I knew in my head we could have twins…. And then the nurse said, “….no, there’s two!” 

Yup, she moved the wand a little bit and sure enough, two babies. TWO. 

My husband and I keep saying TWO out loud. Twins. Double. What! Is! This! Life!

We prayed for one, blessed with two. Right now I am only 6w4d so it’s still very early but we were able to see AND hear the heartbeats yesterday and we are already so in love. And scared. But really happy. And really nervous. And super super grateful. 

Forever thinking of everyone still on their own journey. Xo

  
 
(There’s a baby in both! Baby A on the right and baby B on the left, just can’t see the little guy)

“And there’s only one…”

I took a (blog) break: a lot happened

A lot has happened since I last posted! The stress of all of it, plus the constant doctor appointments, left me not wanting to recap anything. Since the last post, I went back to the doctor and I had two, possible three follies, that developed on my extended cycle – 5 extra days of letrozole. They weren’t ready though, so I had to go back two days later. They looked good at this appointment, a 21 and a 15/16, so I triggered that night and went back the next morning for IUI.

After my IUI, I went to work & tried to concentrate. When I got home from work, I was out walking our pup when I looked down and saw a 4 leaf clover! I plucked it from the ground and took a picture. Hoping for good luck.

Then it was a waiting game. I started progesterone supplements 3 days later. Progesterone is no fun! But, totally worth it, obviously. Time passed slowwwwly and the second week of my TWW, I had to travel for work. I was gone for 12 days post iui, 12 and 14 – 14 being the day I should have had my beta had I been at home. I decided to test on 13 dpiui with a Clear Blue digital I brought from home and I was shocked to see PREGNANT. WHAT. I decided to keep it a secret from my husband who was back at home. I tested later that day with an FRER and got a good second line – no squinting needed – but then I had a little red spotting and naturally started freaking out. I tested 14 dpiui with two more FRERs and they were positive, too, and no more spotting. One of them was at 11:30 PM when I got home from traveling and showed my hubby who thought it was my first time testing and totally whacky that I was doing it at night and less than 12 hours from my beta appointment.

The next day, 15 dpiui, as I was driving to finally get my beta blood work, I started spotting again. I told the nurse who was taking my blood and she said it’s normal to spot and not to worry. Later that day, after a looooong morning/afternoon of waiting, I got my beta results… 176.9 and my progesterone is a 33! The nurse said these were good numbers, and I’m pregnant! Still in shock, but not letting myself get too excited to maybe lessen the excitement. I spent the entire week doing a deep cleaning/organization of our house while the hubbs worked on our bathroom remodel. Oh and my birthday was yesterday. A very, very happy birthday to me!

So today, I had my second beta blood work done at 18 dpiui – after hours of waiting, my results finally came in after hours (the lab I went to screwed up!) – my hcg level is in the 560s! I forgot the actual number and they haven’t posted it to my online portal, but I am so thrilled because they have tripled since my last beta 72 hours ago. They scheduled my ultrasound and more blood work for two weeks out.

I am so excited, and scared, all at the same time! We are so beyond lucky that IUI #1 worked for us. I know so many people aren’t as fortunate, and I was prepared for a long battle. I’m still prepared, because even if everything goes well, these next 9 months will be a battle growing and doing everything I can to protect this baby and knowing the whole time that some things are out of my hands. But for now, I am just going to be excited, scared and so so so deeply, eternally grateful.

The four-leaf clover is an uncommon variation of the common, three-leaved clover. According to tradition, such leaves bring good luck to their finders, especially if found accidentally. In addition, each leaf is believed to represent something: the first is for faith, the second is for hope, the third is for love, and the fourth is for luck.

To everyone experiencing the devastating journey of infertility, I wish you faith, hope, love and luck. My journey isn’t over either by any means, so wishing the same for myself.

FourLeafClover

I took a (blog) break: a lot happened

What day is it?

What day is it? What’s going on? Where am I? Didn’t I just do this yesterday?

Let me off of this emotional rollercoaster. I’ve cried more in the past two weeks than all of the past two years. I was hoping that once I finally got to start medicated cycles it would be much easier, but this first cycle has been a doozy. After going on birth control, I was told I would probably bleed and not to start meds until three days later. Except, I didn’t bleed in those three days, I started bleeding only after taking the letrozole/femara. For the past 8 days, I have had the heaviest “period” of my life with lots of clotting. That’s two weeks of bleeding in the past three weeks. I went in for a check last week on my last day of the meds and I was told that it wasn’t normal but that my lining looked normal and that the medicine was doing what it was supposed to do. That was great because I was able to have a good weekend. This morning I went for my regularly scheduled follicle check only to be told that I didn’t respond at all to the meds. No follicles developed. I am crushed. I think the part that is making me so crushed isn’t that I didn’t respond, but rather, that the cycle was so far from what I was told to expect. The massive amount of bleeding that I had – I cried once a day while I got more and more frustrated at the bleeding.

I am going back to the RE’s office in a couple days to recheck but I highly doubt there will be any development by then so I’ll get started back on letrozole and do another 5 days of that and re-check.

This cycle has been so crazy that I’m not sure what cycle day I’m on, which means I don’t know when to expect my next period, which makes my next cycle screwy already. Between the bleeding, the meds, not responding well to the meds, all of the appointments I’ve already had and the more to come (and the work I’m missing), I’m stressed out and depressed. I’ve had 4 appointments in the past two weeks, which is over 8 hours of drive time. It would be so much easier if we lived 15 minutes away, but we live over an hour away.

I need to remind myself every day that all of these tears, miles in the car, hours “wasted”, etc. will be worth it all when I finally get pregnant. It’s so hard to remember that when I’m crying for the 4th time in a week. Oh how much more I will appreciate seeing a positive pregnancy test than someone who gets on easily… and think about how much those women appreciate it. If they even knew.

What day is it?

First Timer: Birth Control

I’m 26 and I’ve never been on birth control, ever. My periods were never painful when I was younger and they were regular, so I never asked to go on it. My mom mentioned it once, maybe twice, but when I was in middle school and high school I think it was just way to awkward to even discuss, so I didn’t. I didn’t need it and I didn’t want it.

I’ve wanted to be a mom ever since I can remember. I was always a “tomboy” even though I hate that word. I loved playing sports and was always on multiple teams growing up in multiple different sports and I wasn’t a girly girl but I 100% don’t think you need to be labeled a “tomboy” if you like sports. I was just a girl who loved playing sports and I still am. Since I always wanted to be a mom, I don’t know where I read this back when I was younger, but I never wanted to get on birth control because I thought that it would make it harder for me to get pregnant when I was ready. HAHA. When I think about that I laugh.

Well fast forward many years and the past 18 months that we have struggled to conceive, I’m on birth control! Yup. All those years keeping clear of it and now I’m on it. I went in last week for my baseline blood work and my ultrasound to begin my first ever letrozole/femara cycle and first ever IUI cycle and my ultra sound showed a pretty sizable cyst. I’m taking the birth control for seven days and then going back to have the blood work and ultrasound done again.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that when I go back this week, the cyst is smaller and I am able to begin the cycle. I’m not sure exactly if they will do the cycle no matter what when I go in this week or if they will keep me on the birth control to give the cyst more time.

We are traveling this weekend for Memorial Day to see my in-laws and sister-in-law and her big fam, which we are really looking forward to! We haven’t seen them since our wedding 18 months ago! I’m a little scared to start the letrozole/femara meds right when we are visiting them but I really can’t wait to start!

If you’ve had a similar experience, I’d love to hear about it!

First Timer: Birth Control

Frustrated with my Cycle

I’m frustrated. 

CD33 with no sign of AF. Usually by now I would have started or at the very least, be spotting. My last cycle was odd. I started on CD26 and bled for 9 days. I usually bleed for 6. I asked the nurse at my RE because it was my follow up appointment from laparoscopy and said, “CD26 start, 9 day bleed – is this actually my period?” And she said yes it was and to count it like it was my period.

Ok, that was fine 3 weeks ago. But now that I’m impatiently waiting for AF so I can start my first ever round of Femara and first ever IUI, I’m frustrated that AF isn’t here and maybe my cycle is all messed up from surgery. To make matters worse, I never gotten a positive OPK but actually tried them this cycle as it was my first since surgery so thought I’d give it a go. Well, on CD12 I had no line. I tried again about 5 days later and had a very, very faint line. Just as I figured. So I didn’t do any more. I’m sure I didn’t ovulate on my own, but my cycle is clearly messed up so who even knows when I should have tested. 

As soon as AF comes, my frustrations will go away. I’m just having a down day as my nephew was born today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely, extremely happy for my sister and law and their 4 other kids, and I counting down the days until we go visit them and meet the little guy!!!! But it’s also reminding me that they literally got a vasectomy reversal, got pregnant, stayed pregnant for 9 months and I’m all of that time, I haven’t been able to get pregnant. 

It’s only because I’m waiting for AF that I’m thinking these negative thoughts but I am really, truly so thrilled for this new baby boy. He’s sooooo so cute and I can’t wait to hold him! Wish we lived closer than 6 hours from them and could see them more often!! 

Now, where the #%$& are you AF? HURRY UP. 

Frustrated with my Cycle

Window Shopping: Friday Faves

Happy Friday! While I’m awaiting the start of my next cycle (to begin femara and IUI!!) I’ve been keeping busy! Mostly, with house stuff… oh and shopping. As the weather has been getting nicer, we have been dreaming of our first summer with a backyard pool, so I have compiled a few things I’ve recently purchased and a few things on my list for Summer 2015!

FRIFAVE

1. I’m obsessed with anchors. So when I saw this bad boy at Target, I grabbed it immediately, no hesitation. It’s been sitting on our kitchen table for a few weeks and I can’t wait to get the pool open, have friends over and decorate with this.

2. Insert heart eyes emoji here. I want this donut tube to float around in our pool on the daily. Also, I’ve seen the giant swans, slice of pizza and giant flamingo ones too. Can I get all of them?

3. I was in Target the other day and I found navy blue koozies with white anchors on them for $1 EACH! That’s right, a buck. I bought 4 and can’t wait to use them this summer. I don’t drink beer, so it will hold a Diet Coke for me… or a water if I’m pregnant! These are similiar koozies to the ones I bought and I love the monogram. But get the ones at Target, you can’t beat $1!

4. We love lawn games. I bought Timber Toss the other day for my hubbs’ birthday and we played it the next night after we went for a 5 mile bike ride on the most gorgeous Spring evening. This is a great game!! I love the natural wood and the bold, modern design. It’s actually almost too pretty to play. The round, pill shape piece that gets thrown will get grass stains but it gives it a nice, used look.

5. Another $1 Target score… I bought 4 packs of paper straws in a blue and white stripe pattern and red white and blue stars from the $1 section at Target. While I think paper straws taste like paper (go figure) and I don’t like to drink from them, I love to throw them in a drink. They look great in a mason jar by the drinks. We are having a 4th of July bash so these will get used then. These are similar to the ones I bought, but check the $1 section at Target, first!

6. My sister-in-law is due any day with baby numero 5, our 3rd nephew. This is extra fun for me because I officially became an Aunt upon marriage to my 2 nieces and 2 nephews. They were all older than 6 at the time, so this is my first niece/nephew to be BORN while I’m an Aunt! They live about 6 hours away so we won’t be able to visit until Memorial Day weekend but I can’t wait to see the new addition! Anyways, I’ve been shopping for baby boy clothes and I just sent a box full to my SIL for the baby, so I’ve been looking at cute little baby boy clothes a lot lately. Maybe I can talk my SIL, her husband and their 5 kids into coming up this Summer to hang around the pool and the little man can wear this adorable outfit?! (and then we have a baby boy, can my SIL give me this outfit back as a hand-me-down?!)

HAPPY MAY! Summer is almost here and we. can’t. wait!!!! Hope you have a great weekend! I’ll just be over here (still) wishing and praying for my cycle to start!

Window Shopping: Friday Faves

Ready & Waiting

Our first round of fertility meds have arrived and are just sitting, waiting to be used. We are doing letrozole and IUI this cycle. I am overwhelmed as I look at the meds since I am not sure exactly what to use and when to use, or what some of the things are for. But I’m really excited. 

We are paying for everything now on our own. My insurance only covered the test/surgery to diagnose infertility but covers nothing to actually help us get pregnant. How is that fair? Luckily, we can afford this first round. And hopefully this is all we need.

I’m on CD23 so about a week from now I should be heading to my RE for my first appointment. Blood work? I think that’s what they do and then I’ll start the meds. 

I’m a mix of emotions. Excited to finally be starting fertility drugs and Doing an IUI. I’m going back and forth between being excited and keeping myself from being too excited. I don’t want to get my hopes up so high and then not see that + and be that much more devestated. 
Now to enjoy the weekend & the Hubbs birthday. Keeping my mind busy while we wait for my next cycle!

Ready & Waiting